i guess you know by now
I tend toward intensity and drama. I tend toward the highs and the lows. I spend most of my time agitated — sometimes by deep depression, sometimes by too much energy — and although it can be uncomfortable, I know who I am in it.
This is what I don’t know: who I am in the space in between.
It is, strangely enough, the place I get lost. Hence, the delay in understanding that the relative calm that surrounds me right now is contributing as much as anything to my lack of creativity. It’s hard to be happy about a thing like that. I never wish for drama (it has a way of finding me on its own), but I do need to jump start my writing before I completely lose my mind.
I have been making the mistake of waiting for Divine Inspiration (which I don’t even believe in), and yet there’s no other way to explain my behavior. The conversation in my head is undeniable: I don’t have any ideas. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t have anything to contribute. Blah. Blah. And blech.
And so, though it pains me greatly, every bone, every muscle, I think I have to write through the hum-drum material and get it out of the way. The short version is this: 2009 was the worst year of my life AND 2009 was the best year of my life. The prosecutors in the Courts of Good Daughters and Wives and Mothers have cases against me that I could use as evidence to prove I’m a wretched human being. Instead, somehow, I’m gaining ground on being more sure of myself and more content with who I am than ever before. These are strange, strange times. I am in-between, I am on the verge and I have no idea what 2010 will bring. I am not even sure what to hope for.*
Don’t worry. I’m not going to subject you to the long version of the hum and the drum.
Just know that if posts continue to be sparse, I’m still here. Doing some listening.
*However, Dear Universe, it would be ever so delightful if my manuscript found a Home Sweet Home in 2010.
The mixed media piece shown in this post is a work in progress. It represents only one session of work so far. I have lots more I’d like to do with it. It seems to go with this post, especially my opening about sadness and energy. Its working title is “Blue woman goes to Oregon for the first time,” but I don’t know if that will stick. (The name is inspired by the time I spent in Portland in July. I found it a place of restoration.)
UPDATE: I might leave this post up until the new year. I’m not sure. Just in case, I’m starting a list here of New Year’s-type posts that have done a much better job than I have at bridging the space between 2009 and 2010 (I’ll update it as I stumble across The Good Stuff):