a new poem: the buzz from the city
February 6, 2011
REMOVED FOR EDITING.
///
I have been working on this off and on today, and I am thinking about taking it to class tomorrow night. I have been reading and re-reading “Howl” the last couple of days (also for class). The only connection is that it put “the city” on my brain.
I did not, obviously, attempt to mimic the style or the length or the breadth of Ginsberg’s famous poem. He had a howl that went on a long time. This is my buzz, and I can’t sustain it much beyond this. My mouth is fatigued from all the “zzzz” sounds. But I had fun dumping bee images in with the city images and repeating other sounds in addition to the “zzzzz.”
8 Comments
Comments are closed.
carolee bennett sherwood 
p.s. poet friends — i am unhappy with the beginning “they build”. it’s what got me into the poem but now i am having trouble shedding it. help!
Great piece!
I like the “They build” – but if you don’t, could you maybe just begin with “Great honeycomb cities rumble with truck delivering parcels…” something like that. But I think the “they” works in the beginning to balance the “their” at the end.
i like donna’s suggestion. though “they build” didn’t shake me. it brought me into the scene. the bee imagery is fantastic. “great honeycomb cities” is excellent! this has a very different tone for you, lady. i like it!
A plaintive song – I love it. I like ‘they build’ as a starter, mostly because they did. 🙂
Superb. My favorite lines are these:
Rows of veterans lean along the walls,
missing wings they lost in the war. The boys have dyed
their yellow stripes black, applied eyeliner, given into the sting.
Awesome collection of images squirming against each other. If you expanded each one a bit, it could easily turn into something very reminiscent of Howl; you have all the stories here, probe deeper. 🙂
Dahlink, it’s sumptious, absolutely gorgeous, and you’ll score big here!
Obviously the class work will be about organising it’s rhythm, constructing it on paper, but I’d advise you to not touch the words just yet, you’ll loose something.
Just let is relax now…seep on in…listen to what it’s doing to others and it will work itself out because the poem is already fully formed.
As for your issue with ‘They build…’, I thought about it and you’re right. The sheer excellence and exuberance of the ensuing images makes it seem rather flat.
Think about who ‘They’ are and you’ll have solved your problem.
Chicago by Carl Sandburg may help you out; http://carl-sandburg.com/chicago.htm
Really what you’ve conjured up here is glorious and I wouldn’t mess with it…SO DON’T, DADDY SAYS!
I adore bees, and the lines Dale picked were my favorites,too.
A wee replacement idea:cast in lieu of build. Just an idea. xoxo